


All Saints' Day

by legendarytobes



Series: culinary advice [6]
Category: Lucifer (TV), Miranda (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Fic, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 11:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20114632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/legendarytobes/pseuds/legendarytobes
Summary: Maze enlists Gary's help to try and calm Linda down after finally learning Lucifer *is* the devil.





	All Saints' Day

**Author's Note:**

> Set after 2.06 monster and 2.04 A New Low, respectively. Some of the timeline for Lucifer s2 is a bit fuzzy here, but roll with it. 
> 
> ALSO - this hit me first but the next fic will definitely be cheesy noodle cooking lessons for the Goddess.

**All Saints' Day**

Working for the Devil (it wasn’t as bad as it sounded) was equal parts mundane and completely, stark-raving mental. To be fair, most days unfolded as they always had with prepping the food for happy hour, serving drinks to the throngs of men and women who were hopefully waiting for the chance to join the boss up in the penthouse, and, well, cleaning up after and making sure every surface Ms. Smith and Patrick shagged on was sterilized by the next morning. Overall, mostly normal pub or restaurant work.

Then, there was the other side of it. Times where he got dragged out of his apartment by the LAPD because it _looked_ like his “brother” (because Lucifer had arranged things as such on paper to pay off Gary’s considerable medical bills) had murdered a street preacher. Not as big a deal as not only being assigned babysitting duty for the crackers Goddess of All Creation but also having to teach her how to make mac and cheese. Lord help her, that woman (being? Deity?) might have created half the universe, but she was nowhere near ready to cook without burning everything she touched. It was a learning curve Gary was working on her with whilst most of the time terrified she’d flambé him herself, even if Lucifer and Amenadiel both swore she didn’t have powers currently in her mortal shell. Sure, and he was the Easter Bunny. If the two (mostly) angels thought that the Goddess didn’t have other things on her back burner, then they were being snowed.

But while he could add potential witness for the state (albeit the boss had been cleared of his crimes) and Goddess-sitter to his eclectic resume, Gary had never anticipated the next task he’d be assigned. Halloween was a long night. That much he knew from wherever he’d manned a bar---and that extended to three continents now. Even if it was an area where Halloween wasn’t traditionally celebrated, well, it was the twenty-first century and any excuse to get drunk and dress up in tight outfits was going to be embraced by the masses. It meant that fights also happened more often, and people tested their limits. He’d had the bouncers throw out at least half a dozen people, mostly randy lads who hadn’t been able to understand that no meant no.

He was exhausted, had cramps running through his shoulders, and just wanted to flop out at home, even as he finished cleaning up the bar at close to five a.m. that morning.

What he did not want was Ms. Smith to come stalking up to him. Frankly, she terrified him. And no, while he’d seen what the big boss actually looked like and knew now very well that Ms. Smith was a demon in every sense of the word, he’d no interest in seeing her true face. Eventually, Gary would like to sleep again. He had enough trouble with devilish geese haunting his nights. He did not need whatever Mazikeen Smith was to add to his pile of nightmare fodder.

How Lucifer insisted that Ms. Smith found him interesting, Gary would never know. At least, so far, she hadn’t tried to hurt him and she had stopped actively trying to seduce him. He figured the best thing he could do at Lux was keep a low profile. Goddess cooking lessons and occasionally being dragged into infernal business aside.

He really needed to suck it up and go home to Surrey. Seriously.

“Gary, just the human I was looking for.”

He sighed and slung the rag he’d been using the clean the mugs with over his shoulder. “Ms. Smith---”

“Maze is fine.”

“Uh, okay, Maze, I’m almost done on shift, and I’d rather get home soon. It’s not much of a flat, but I’m about to pass out.”

Maze narrowed her eyes at him. “Lucifer’s an idiot.”

“I did not say that. I did not agree with that, officially. I just want to stay neutral. Think of me as the Switzerland of Lux.”

“Huh?”

“It’s neutral and never mind, forgot who I was talking to. If you and Lucifer are having a row, then I am going to stay far away from the middle of it.”

“You want to be on my good side. Lucifer won’t do anything that includes breaking kneecaps cause Decker would be pissed and we can’t have that. I am not so kind.”

Gary gulped and nodded. “Alright, what did the big boss do now?”

“Oh, you’re going to love this. He told someone. When did I agree to start collecting humans like pets.”

“Ta for that, makes me feel great. I’m not a bloody spaniel here.”

Maze shrugged. “Hair’s floppy enough.”  


“It’s not shellacked in place,” he grumbled, mostly to himself. “Did he tell Detective Decker?”

“No, he’d never do that. Lucifer talks a good game about ‘not lying,’ but he’s totally a chicken shit about scaring Decker off.” Maze shrugged. “You humans are such freaking crybabies. I mean, you see a little bit of red eyes or some rotting flesh on the cheek and most of you freak out!”

“Yeah, how could we.”

“Exactly! I mean, Trixie loved my face. I told her it was a Halloween costume, but if an eight-year-old can deal with it, the rest of you just suck.”

Gary frowned and leaned on the bar. “Look, I deal well most days, and I’m not mad in some asylum somewhere so I say points to me. However, please don’t show me. I don’t want to know.”

Maze glared at him as if she were considering doing just that to spite him and then shrugged. “Maybe someday, you pussy, but I need the help.”

“Do you know how you ask people for a favor?”

“I’ve never had to before. Like I said, you do what I ask, and I don’t break your kneecaps. Favor done.”

“Lucifer’s better at these,” Gary grumbled and then cracked his knuckles. “So, I suppose sleep is not in my future.”

Maze nodded. “You do this, and you get a huge bonus for November and the next week off---paid.”

He stilled. Lucifer was generous, probably cause the Devil hadn’t yet figured out how budgeting worked. Maze was tight-fisted and managed the books at Lux with an iron rigidity. If she were willing to pay him for a week off, then something huge truly was afoot.

“Who knows?” Gary asked. “Wait, do I want to know how they know?”

“Lucifer being an idiot again. I get he’s going through a lot, I do, and that he’s really upset over killing Uriel. I mean, I wouldn’t be and I wish the bastard hadn’t gotten the upper hand on me. Pattern tracing my ass. Anyway, it was still no reason to show Linda his face without warning me he was going to. I mean, she might be his therapist, but she’s my best friend.” She shrugged. “Besides Trixie of course.”

“Trixie’s eight.”

“I like her. She’s great at conversation. Older humans have too many rules, white lies, never say what they mean. Trixie is always what you see is what you get.”

Gary shrugged. He could almost understand that. Even if the lot of Celestials he was near all looked like adults, the lot of them including the Goddess of all Creation, acted like teenagers at best and often much younger. Social niceties escaped all of them. “Alright, so wait…Uriel?”

“Another angel. God and the Goddess totally fucked like bunnies. Amenadiel and Lucifer must have hundreds of brothers and sisters. I can’t keep track of them all, and I don’t want to. Uriel is a pretty big dick, unfortunately met him before. Anyway, he wanted to kill both Decker and the Goddess. I don’t care much what happens to Lucifer’s batshit mom cause letting her hang around is a totally bad idea, but Decker’s a stick in the mud but good people. Plus, I can’t pay full rent on my place without her.”

“I am not sure how to take any of this.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Maze said, shaking her hand. “Uriel was a bad dude. He was about to murder Decker so what Lucifer did is totally reasonable. Kill or be killed, but of course the resident Drama Queen couldn’t deal with it. He had a big emotional crisis, Linda was gonna cut him off as a patient because _all_ you humans assume this is a metaphor which, kind of, is on you.”

“No one would believe you.”

“We tell you all every day. It’s not like we hide it.”

Gary rolled his eyes. “No, but…never mind…so he told his analyst and it didn’t go well?”

“She’s catatonic! I went to check on her and she threw me out. I checked back in through her office window---you know the office she hasn’t left all night---and she’s just sitting in a corner, shaking and barely moving. It’s bad, and she won’t listen to me or Lucifer.”

“So, you need the human who knows. Is there a special handshake you want me to induct Linda with?”

Maze slammed a knife, tip down, deep into the wood of the bar but a good foot away from Gary. “Remember who you’re talking to. I’m Hell’s best torturer. You’re useful, but I don’t need to be mocked by you.”

He let out a low whistle. “You don’t like me very much.”

“You’re useful, and that’s more than most humans I know.” She grinned lasciviously and licked her lips. “Patrick is too but in a different way.”

Gary decided not to ask her if it were really fair to shag Patrick all over Lux without letting him know _what_ exactly he was screwing. That would get him flayed. Instead, he pressed on with Maze’s request. “You want me to speak with her.”

She nodded. “I’ll give you the address of her office. You can go over after sleep and a shower, I guess. It might be better if it’s during the daytime. Humans aren’t big on the dark either.”

“We can’t see in it,” he groused.

“Your loss. Anyway, _please_, I just want my friend back, and Lucifer blew it. I mean, shows his face. Idiot!”

Gary had to agree. If geese weren’t so much scarier than, well, anything, he’d be freaked out by having seen the big boss in all his King of Hell glory. Then again, it frankly bothered him a bit more to hear Lucifer talk about Devil stuff when he was using his glamour. It was distinctly creepy to have someone talking with utter authority on heaven, hell, and everything in between while wearing _your_ face. Then again, he could get how just the red, scarred mess that made up Lucifer’s _other_ look could have left his doctor in shock.

“Alright, give me the address, and I’ll try my best. I…is there anything you need me to tell her from you?”

Maze nodded and leaned over the bar to whisper in his ear. It wasn’t at all what he’d expected her to say, but he took time and asked her to repeat it, memorizing all of it to say later when he met up with the good doctor.

**

He knocked on the door but wasn’t sure what he’d do if Dr. Linda Martin didn’t open it for him. It wasn’t like he could just break in. Long story, drunken bet at uni, and one door that Miranda had forced open for him…and, well, Gary knew that doors were more than a match for him.

“Dr. Martin?”

There was a click of no fewer than four locks on the other side, and the doctor opened the door. Gary frowned down at a blonde woman in glasses who might have been even shorter than Stevie. The good doctor was quite tiny, after all.

She stilled and shuddered against the door. “Lucifer…I don’t know what you’re getting at here, but I don’t want you or Maze back here. Ever.”

Gary rolled his eyes, but pulled a pocket knife from his cargo pant’s pocket. “Right, we’ve never met. Sorry, just give us a mo, please, doc.” He flicked open the blade and pressed it to his thumb until it bled. “Not Lucifer. It’s a bit of a long story, but I do work for him.” He held up his hand so she could watch the blood well and drip from his carved-up thumb. “Name’s Gary Preston. I’m the very human chef at Lux, and I honestly couldn’t beat up someone even at a self-defense class. Uh, another long story that. Now, if you’d let me in, Ms. Smith mentioned you needed someone to talk to.”

Dr. Martin eyed the blood there and then stared hard at his face. “You’re bleeding.”

“If I were Lucifer, you know that Detective Decker would have to be around for that or knife way more special than a Goodwill bin reject, don’t you?”

She nodded although still shook. “You look just like him.”

“I know. It doesn’t exactly make a bloke feel good. Best Lucifer figures, God ran out of designs and got lazy. Again, not exactly appealing that I look like the devil used to.” He sighed and ran a hand through his mop of hair. “Well, mostly, I guess. May I come in?”

Dr. Martin nodded and slid aside as he slipped past her. Then she bolted all the doors behind her and laid down on the sofa. Gary shrugged and sat down at her chair across the coffee table from where the doctor reclined.

He hunched his shoulders down and tried to look as tiny and non-threatening as possible. Again, not that he was dangerous. At all. But he appreciated that the doppleganger thing might be driving the good doctor around the freaking pipe even as he was trying to diffuse the whole sordid situation.

“Dr. Martin---”

“Linda’s fine. I mean, if you’re also aware of what Maze and Lucifer are…really are, I guess we should be on a first name basis.”

He nodded. “Demon and the Devil, as in capital D. Yeah, blew my mind when I found it out too.”

“I couldn’t even move from that chair for hours,” she said. “I just…Maze came by and wanted things to go back like they were. How is that even possible? I mean, you saw him, right?”

Gary opted not to explain he actually found the twins-but-not act more freaky. Instead, he nodded his assent. “Yeah, it’s terrifying. I know.”

“Are you hear to tell me it’s all okay on their behalf.”

Gary shrugged. “I won’t say that weird crap doesn’t happen all the time at Lux and around them. That would be a lie. I mean, you haven’t even met his batty Mum yet.”

“I don’t think I want to.”

“But, I’ll also add that I’ve known about everything for a couple months now, at least, and none of them have hurt me. In fact, I got injured and Lucifer covered my hospital bills and then some. Ms. Smith is, uh, intimidating but she’s mostly a good boss, and she really misses you, Linda.”

“She’s a demon.”

Gary sighed and wondered how he’d gotten himself into such an utter mess. When had he gotten deputized as the liaison between Hell’s highest ranking denizens and Los Angeles?

_When you were too cowardly just to go home and beg Miranda to take you back, Preston._

“Maze told me to tell you that you’re the first real friend she’s made here, except for Trixie, but that you’re the only adult human she trusts. It’s not like she has demon friends---she didn’t say but I gather they’re not a social sort---and she says that she’d do anything to protect you.” He sighed and leaned closer to Linda, resting his hands on his knees. “If it makes you feel better, they’ve never treated me differently, not really, since I’ve known as opposed to when I didn’t. Maze is still, uh, Maze, but I’ve known worse people.”

Linda sat up and glared at him. He figured most of the fury in her gaze was directed at Lucifer. He got that sometimes too. There was more than one time where an upset, cuckolded lover came by threatening to punch him out until he explained they were looking for the big boss instead. Then, they were usually too confused by the Olsen twins act to be as angry any longer. But here, yes, Linda was aiming the anger she had for Lucifer and his not-quite-truths at Gary.

“They’re not people.”

“Well, technically no.” Gary scratched at his nose. “But they’re not…I won’t say they’re good exactly. I mean, seriously, Ms. Smith is on a one woman mission to leave a trail of STDs over Lux’s kitchen. And, frankly, there’s not a sexual position or illicit drug Lucifer won’t try…repeatedly or so the gossip goes. But they do try. Ms. Smith has started collecting bounties so putting her skills to work, and Lucifer has caught quite a few murderers by now with Detective Decker. I…maybe they’re a work in progress, and they’ve only gotten as far as they have because of you.”

“I had sex with the Devil. Like a lot.”

Gary blanched. He honestly hadn’t seen that coming, but since it was Lucifer, he really should have. “Oh blimey.”

“Yes,” Linda sat up and hissed at him. Her eyes were large and shiny behind her glasses. “I had sex with the Devil. I had it in my house and in his car and definitely on this sofa. Like for the first few months I met him that was literally how he paid me. I fucked Satan!”

“I don’t think that actually sends you to hell.” Gary sighed. “Long story…”

“You have a lot of those.”

“Didn’t really before I fell in with Maze and Lucifer. Anyway,” he continued. “…I was shot---someone mistook for Lucifer---at any rate, I went to Hell and Lucifer brought me back. Didn’t think it was fair for me to be there, but I wasn’t there because I was his bartender. I sent m’self there for feeling so guilty over hurting the woman I loved, over tearing her heart out. Guilt does that. I don’t think, uh, having sex with the boss is a big enough guilt trigger to send you down under.”

“I just…Hell’s real.”

“Yes.”

“And heaven and God and demons and Lucifer was never lying.” She sighed and rubbed at her temples. “How do I even do therapy on a not-so-mythical creature?”

Gary almost bristled on the boss’s behalf. Maze and Lucifer…even the Goddess…they were all works in progress and had varying degrees of understanding how humanity and human emotions even worked, but they were still mostly people. People with little boundaries and zero filters, but people where it counted.

“Well, if you think about it, doesn’t it make your job easier, really?”

“How?”

“Well, you used to think whatever issues he has, and I never took psychology at uni, but I’ll guess some of it includes massive fears of rejection because _he Fell_. Am I right?”

“Yes.”

“And now you know it’s one hundred percent literal. He’s still got family issues---believe me, met his Mum, and she’s something else---and that he’s been the most abandoned I’d wager anyone could be, but it’s still the same mechanisms underneath right? I mean, let me put it this way: tofu and hamburger aren’t quite the same but they’re similar enough that I know how to cook both for the same presentation of a ‘burger’ whether it’s meat or veggie.”

She laughed and the tension in her shoulders eased. “You really are a chef, aren’t you?”

“You thought this was still Lucifer and a come on?”

“No, because you’re right and Lucifer doesn’t bleed. I saw him punch a hole a foot thick through my poor wall and nothing affected him. I…maybe I suspected then that it was more than metaphors, and I just didn’t want to see it.” She sighed. “Maybe I’m a terrible psychiatrist.”

“I doubt it. If you were utter dreck at this, I doubt Lucifer would have humored you for the better part of a year, right?”

“But my patient---all the other deeply disturbing parts about him aside…” she said, pausing for a moment.

Gary nodded. He couldn’t deny that the actual face of the Devil was terrifying. It had been designed that way, hadn’t it? Something so utterly horrifying that any human would confess to their deepest, darkest sins on the spot.

  
“Yes?” Gary pressed, trying to help the doctor as best as he could.

“He was so desperate in our session. I was going to cut him off because I didn’t think working in metaphors was helping him, and he just…he sat quietly on the sofa and flashed his face so quickly, just enough for me to see without putting it all back in place. He didn’t even leave the sofa or make a move. He was trying to be non-threatening.”

“I reckon that he was.”

“I just…what kind of doctor who knows all her patient’s issues---knows how scared he is of rejection---does just that. Even if I can learn to therapy the devil, would Lucifer even want me back.”

Gary stood. “Well, I know that Maze wants her friend back. Maybe start from there. Honestly, Lucifer is Lucifer, and the boss is going to sulk because that’s what he does, but he’s just lost his brother---and I know it’s more than that but let’s leave it stated that way---and he might have to learn to trust you again, but, uh, oh bollocks. I’m pro-Earth and things staying mostly status quo, and a spiraling, upset devil is the absolute last thing any of us need. Maybe things just start with an I’m sorry?”

Linda nodded and stood as well. She barely came up to his shoulder, and he wondered if Lucifer found it quaint that he’d put his mental health in the hands of a woman so tiny and fragile (not that all humans probably weren’t breakable to both Maze and Lucifer). “Thanks, I…what’s your name again?”

He chuckled. “I get that a lot, although the regulars and staff at Lux can tell us apart by now.” He offered her his hand and shook it. “Preston, Gary Preston. I…thanks for not freaking out and listening to me. If I’d failed, Maze might have started wearing my entrails as a hat.”

Linda’s eyes grew wide. “You’re kidding!”

“I am…I’m pretty sure she’d just fire me, but I need the money either way.”

She let out a breath and relaxed again. “So, huh, we’re #TeamHuman here, aren’t we? Does Chloe know?”

“No, as far as I know, we’re it.” Gary dropped her hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Christ, I can’t even imagine the fallout that’ll come if he tells her. I’ll need you around just to brace for that. I’m just a chef and bartender. I’m really not anything special, Dr. Martin.”

“Linda,” she said shoving against his side playfully. “And maybe you are.”

“Or I’ve just cocked up my own life too much to go back to it, but somehow seem functional next to Satan himself.” Gary sighed. “Not really a comforting thought.”

  
“My door’s always open.”

  
“I can’t afford your rates.”

“I can’t deal with all the demonic craziness alone. Maybe just lunch a couple times a week?”

“Huh?”

She grinned up at him as they headed to the doors and, of course, out towards Lux after. “Tell me why you’re not in England, and I’ll offer what I can as perspective.”

“In return?”

“If I just have freakouts dealing with all the devil stuff…it’s weird but I don’t want Lucifer and Maze to be offended. They both really were so sad, and I was kind of an ass.”

“It’s understandable.”

“Maybe, but I just need someone to once in a while agree with me that this is batshit insane. Okay?”

“Good, because I’m half afraid I’ve gone mental already, Doctor.” He set a hand on her shoulders as he led her to the elevator. “Although, on the plus side, I have full access to the top shelf at Lux. Come on back there and see Ms. Smith, and we can both get pissed after.”

“Sounds good to me.”


End file.
